In "My Clean Break," Dr. Cox is addressing the interns. Doug the intern misses some info while taking notes, and he asks J.D., "Stringent what?" J.D. responds, "Stringent updoc," setting him up for a classic joke. Doug falls for it, raising his hand and asking Cox, "What's 'updoc?'" as per the famous Bugs Bunny catchphrase, "What's up, Doc?"
Who said this memorable line: "Eisenhower... was a sissy!"
In Season 1, the first episode, "My First Day," Dr. Cox is proving to J.D. that a 92-year-old patient has full dementia and doesn't understand what anyone is saying. He whispers this line in the patient's ear to test for a response.
Who said this memorable line: "I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun."
The Janitor says this line to his girlfriend, Lady, in "My Number One Doctor." It's up to her to decide whether or not he's kidding. The actor who played The Janitor, Neil Flynn, went on to play the dad, Mike Heck, in the TV show, "The Middle."
Who said this memorable line: "Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that I think it's worth it."
After Elliot says this line, the delivery guy tosses Elliot the keys to her new car. Just then a truck drives by and destroys the passenger door. This took place in Season 3's "My Own American Girl."
Who said this memorable line: "If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face."
In "My Own Worst Enemy," Dr. Cox says this to Dr. Beardfacé, who is upset that people are calling him "Beardface" and ignoring the proper accented pronunciation - "Beard-fass-AY."
Who said this memorable line: "I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me, I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest."
J.D. says this line, in "My Extra Mile," then has a flashback in which his date says, "If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you."
Who said this memorable line: "Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money? Things with sharp edges!"
In the episode, "My Bad," Dr. Cox is having a personal crisis. J.D. thinks Cox's ex-wife might be able to help, so he tells Dr Cox, "Your ex-wife. She's the answer." Dr Cox responds as if his wife is the answer to a game show question, a la "$25,000 Pyramid."
Who said this memorable line: "I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy."
In "My Best Moment," Carla asks Elliot to watch a child while she takes the child's father to the ICU. Elliot hesitates, saying her memorable line. She later cringes when the child wants to hold her hand.
Who said this memorable line: "Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!"
In "My Big Bird," Ted Buckland says this creepy line. Carla responds, "And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy."
Who said this memorable line: "Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still actually enjoy it."
Dr. Cox says this heartfelt dialogue in "My Absence." Fun fact: When Dr. Cox becomes Chief of Staff at the end of the "Scrubs" series, he has a red Swingline stapler on his desk. This is funny because John C. McGinley, who played Dr. Cox, also appeared in the movie "Office Space," in which such a stapler was prominent.
Who said this memorable line: "Then out of fairness to the others, you will be 'Slagathor.' Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office."
In "His Story IV," Dr. Kelso fills in for Carla as Head Nurse. Addressing the group, Kelso says, "Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males 'Daves' and all the females 'Debbies.'" One person responds, "Debbie is actually my name!" As a result, Kelso delivers his memorable line.
Who said this memorable line: "She's mad, but she can't give me the 'silent treatment,' because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the 'talk until I want to commit suicide treatment.'"
In "My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby," Dr. Cox says this. His ex-wife, Jordan, is yammering on about table linens and pillow shams and such, just to annoy him. She's upset because Cox treats their young son, Jack, like an adult.
Who said this memorable line: "Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?"
In the episode, "My Fifteen Minutes," J.D. is unhappy that, even in a daydream, he is the sidekick to his best friend, Turk/Batman.
Who said this memorable line: "That's probably a question I should answer more face to face after the lecture."
In "My Conventional Wisdom," Dr. Briggs says this memorable line in response to J.D.'s personal question during a public lecture: "Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?" The two later try to get back together for the sake of their baby, but things don't work out. The role of Dr. Briggs was played by Elizabeth Banks, who went on to great fame playing Effie Trinket in the "Hunger Games" movies.
Who said this memorable line: "Marcia, please! Father, continue."
In "My Journey," Elliot says to J.D., "Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day." J.D. immediately starts daydreaming that he is marrying Marcia Brady, a popular character from the TV show, "The Brady Bunch," played by Maureen McCormick. The priest asks if John Dorian will take Marcia Brady to be his wife, and the bride insists that her name is Maureen McCormick. In his daydream, J.D. responds with this memorable line.
Who said this memorable line: "I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie, and a Polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring, because I'm worried it may have snails."
In "My No Good Reason," Jordan orders around her ex-husband, Dr. Cox, taking advantage of the fact that she is on post-surgery bed rest.
Who said this memorable line: "If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito."
In "My New God," Turk is trying to help his wife Carla work up a bit of anger, because that improves their lovemaking. However, this memorable line spoken by Turk might be pushing the boundaries a bit.
Who said this memorable line: "It's short for Scooter Pie. I hate Scooter Pie."
In the episode, "My Nickname," The Janitor gives J.D. a new nickname, "Scooter." J.D. doesn't understand why, so The Janitor elaborates in this memorable line. Incidentally, a Scooter Pie is similar to a Moon Pie - a pair of cakelike cookies with a marshmallow filling.
Who said this memorable line: "Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV. Wireless hotspots. The Bush daughters. 'The O.C.' The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman!"
In "My Old Friend's New Friend," Dr. Cox recites a comprehensive list of things he cares as little about as the fact that it's J.D.'s last week of residency at the hospital.
Who said this memorable line: "I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go."
In "My Bright Idea," Carla is anxious for one minute to pass so she can see the result of her home pregnancy test. Her husband, Turk, says this famous line about marking the time with help from their microwave. Carla says she can't stand waiting for 30 more seconds, and Turk thinks she's really excited about the pizza rolls (which will need time to cool).
Who said this memorable line: "Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for 'thank you.'"
In "My Words of Wisdom," The Janitor says this quirky dialogue in response to Turk's question, "How do you know sign language?"
Who said this memorable line: "I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs."
Jordan Sullivan, the ex-wife of Dr. Perry Cox, says this memorable line to him in "My Fifteen Seconds." They live together at the time of this episode, with one son, despite their divorce. Due to Jordan's abrasive personality, she has many nicknames throughout the series, including Atilla, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Wicked Witch of the East Wing, and Cross-Eyed Watersnake.
Who said this memorable line: "I agrizzle, my nizzle."
In "My Old Friend's New Friend," J.D. says this in response to Cox's line, "Newbie, do you want me to give my 'things I don't care about' speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything."
Who said this memorable line: "You should take Doug down to the morgue. The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life!"
In "My Malpractical Decision," Carla says this memorable line to Elliot, because earlier in the episode Dr. Doug Murphy accidentally jolted Carla with a defibrillator. Doug is a notably bad doctor, and later in the series he becomes a pathologist so he can't harm anyone. He is last seen in a bout of depression, reclining in a morgue drawer, and his ultimate fate is unknown.
Who said this memorable line: "When I was kid, I always thought I'd travel the world, you know? So after college, I went to China. Did all the normal touristy things, I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local."
In "My New God," J.D. helps The Janitor move. As they are packing, The Janitor reminisces, reciting this memorable dialogue.
Who said this memorable line: "I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face."
In "My Brother Where Art Thou?" J.D. says this to his older brother, Dan. At this point in the series, Dan is a part-time bartender, living in his mother's attic; later in the series he becomes a successful real estate agent.
Who said this memorable line: "What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say 'hey, how are things?'"
In "My Cake," J.D.'s brother Dan follows the family tradition of bringing a cake when he's about to share bad news. J.D. immediately asks what's wrong when he sees Dan with a cake, and Dan responds with his memorable line. The bad news in question turns out to be the fact that their father died.
Who said this memorable line: "Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!"
In "My Cookie Pants," Jordan confronts Dr. Kelso with this classic line. She wants Kelso to encourage her ex-husband, Dr. Cox, to accept the position of Chief of Staff at the hospital.
Who said this memorable line: "It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head!"
In "My Unicorn," a patient gives J.D. a journal in which he can record his thoughts. It has a unicorn on the cover. Dr. Kelso comments on it, and J.D. says his famous line, denying that it is a unicorn. In J.D.'s imagination, the unicorn comes to life and says, "You know I'm a unicorn, why can't you just say it?"
Who said this memorable line: "The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!"
Elliot says this line in "My Saving Grace." J.D. responds that they already do charge doctors for candy, and Elliot realizes that she has been getting special treatment from Johann, who works at the gift shop. J.D. says Johann wants to marry Elliot and take her to Estonia, his homeland. Elliot muses, "Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen."
Who said this memorable line: "Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?"
Elliot says this line to Carla in "My Rule of Thumb," as Carla prepares to marry Turk. Carla sarcastically responds, "'Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns." Elliot naively says, "Really? God I wish I was ethnic."
Who said this memorable line: "I'm not really what you'd call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer, but that's only because I took the Bar exam in Alaska and they only have like four laws and most of them are about when you can and cannot kill seals."
Ted Buckland says this in "My Lawyer's In Love." He is not a good lawyer, but he does his best to keep the hospital from being sued. The character is a member of an A Capella group, "The Worthless Peons." In later seasons he falls in love with, then loses, a ukulele player named Gooch.
Who said this memorable line: "Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!"
In "Our Drunk Friend," J.D. says this line to an intern, Lucy. He had climbed the tree as a teaching moment, with the tree symbolizing the cardiovascular system, but the tree is full of bees. J.D. wants Lucy to go get help from Turk.
Who said this memorable line: "John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is... he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend."
Dr Cox says this in "My Finale," not realizing that J.D. is right behind him and thrilled to hear this speech. J.D. says, "It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in." He comes in for a hug, then continues, "You smell like a father figure." This is just the sort of thing that Cox hates, of course. This episode was meant to be the series finale, but later "Scrubs" was resurrected for a less-than-stellar Season 9.
Who said this memorable line: "Do you still let that inner voice of yours control you?"
In "My Happy Place," Elliot asks J.D. this question. In a hilarious voice-over of J.D.'s inner thoughts, he reacts, "This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head!" Out loud, he merely answers, "Not as much."
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