Can We Guess If You're Secretly a Dog Masquerading as a Human?

Ian Fortey

Image: Darwin Wiggett / DigitalVision / Getty Images

About This Quiz

Rene Descartes is famous for the quote "I think therefore I am." It's a simple statement that cuts to the core of being itself. If you know you are you, if you know you are real because you know you have your own thoughts, then that is the one thing that can truly be said to be real in all the universe. No matter what else may be going on - a dream, a drug-fueled state, a simulation, none of it matters. If you think then you are. You are a person. BUT! Descartes never said what you are, just "that" you are. You could be a human, sure. But maybe you're a dog. Philosophy doesn't say that can't be the case, right? How do you tell?

If you're not interested in chasing down some cars or eating a bowl of kibble to prove your canine qualifications, there is an easier way for us to get to the bottom of things and no one even has to go to obedience school to get it done. All you need to do is answer a few questions for us and we'll figure out once and for all if you're a real person or just a dog playing a game with all of us. Take the quiz!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, right? What'll you have?

If your best friend needs your help moving this weekend, are you there for them?

What do you consider a good workout?

Tell us your opinion on having a salad for dinner.

Do you prefer a bath or a shower?

Do you only eat the finest foods or are you down for pretty much anything as long as it's edible?

How good are you at learning new skills?

What's your absolute favorite game to play with a baseball?

What's your favorite thing to do when you head to the beach for the day?

We're having some hamburgers. What's the most essential topping?

Your Uber just dropped you off, and as it drives away you realize you forgot your phone in the back. What now?

How tidy is your bedroom right now?

What do you like to do with your best friend more than anything?

You're in a room with two other people. Someone farts. Maybe it was you, maybe it wasn't. Do you get blamed?

Say it's around midnight and you hear a noise upstairs even though no one is supposed to be home. What do you do?

Do you like your neighbors?

If you haven't seen a friend in a long time do you get super excited when you finally see them again?

If you're out for a walk and it starts raining, what do you do?

Do you get along well with new people when you meet them?

Would you say you're a very neat and precise person or a little more messy and chaotic?

Do you like thunderstorms?

How often would you say you go out for a walk?

Do you like to go for a car ride sometimes even if you don't have a particular destination in mind?

Can you clean up after yourself very well, or do you need help sometimes?

So, how often would you say you lie to people anyway?

When Halloween rolls around, do you go all in on a costume or not?

Have you ever actually been to a masquerade ball?

How often do people tell you to stay?

Can you make your own fun if you're home alone?

Pick your favorite fictional dog!

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